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Monday, October 7, 2013

paranoia

The paranoia is difficult to shake off. It follows every step and causes my thoughts to recirculate with different conclusions. It's the paranoia and fear that keeps so many of us paralyzed from taking those incredibly important first steps. Some one called me courageous. That is far from the truth. Really. I am not being humble. I am a chicken, and my anonymity is self-serving. I am sheilding myself behind a veil of secrecy while demanding transparency from others. Because I am not ready for a life altering change, a change that will affect others beyond me.

It is this fear and paranoia that led to my decision to pull my blog this weekend. I let it get to me. The emails and messages seeking info, and the ones I interpreted as veiled threats. Was I being impulsive or reckless by writing these things in a public forum? Did I give too much detail? What if there is a way to trace this back to me? Maybe I don't know enough about technology to be truly anonymous? What if, what if, what if...

Then there are the "what if's" that I don't want to admit. The ones from "them". I like to believe I am able to separate the bullshit we were fed from reality, but those creepy little thoughts linger still, casting doubt on my conclusions. Then I have more questions than answers.
I have been rummaging through old boxes and reading old teachings. I am looking forward to posting more as they get scanned. The ones from the 1996 May Retreat are particularly unnerving. This is when Jack told the youth that the Family in Europe were going to be surveilling us, and keeping records.

A youth asked the question, "What happens to my standing in the family if I marry my Christian boyfriend?"
Abba's response,
"It would not affect your membership in the family, but you are not doing him any good by marrying him and not bringing him into the family. You are not being disloyal to the family if you marry outside, but it puts a wedge between you and your spouse. He will feel excluded and it can begin the cancer that leads to divorce. Records are kept in Europe on all family members and all of this would be known to them. If the spouse wants to come into the family, they should be brought to the clan head for instruction."

Later, in the next session, things grow almost creepy. The following are pieces of the sessions from the 1996 May youth retreat. The booklet contains 60 pages, therefore posting it in it's entirety is prohibitive. I scanned the parts in which Jack refers to surveillance of the family, and records being kept.







This didn't end here. We were reminded regularly that we were being watched. And tested. The members of the "Three Families" were going to appear unannounced and test us. They could be a new coworker, the person behind us in the grocery store, the friend of a friend, there to "get a sense of who we are", there to see what kind of lifestyle we are living. (You better put that hamburger back on that shelf! They could be watching!). Jack wanted us to be paranoid.
We were even informed that our phone conversations were likely eavesdropped on, and nothing electronic is secure.
It went further. During one teaching, we learned that when the "New world" came into existence, we would each have to stand up before God, and in front of every other member of the family. At that time, each single transgression would be announced publicly before all of our peers.
The youth were taught that revealing secrets, even to our family members (on the outside) would make us traitors. People who left the family were traitors. But they would still fulfill their role. All of them are kept on a list which would be given to our enemies during persecution. The list would be falsely represented as a list of current members of the Family. They would be a sacrifice, and they would be killed so the rest of us may survive.
It sounds so very illogical and fantastical. Even as I type these words, I am astonished that I believed these things. But when this is what a person is taught from childhood, the paranoia becomes a normal pattern. It runs deep. My brain knows these things are not real, but my body still responds to the same fear.

Paranoia. It can be debilitating. I let it get to me, and that made me angry. Freckle face is right, anger helps. It is the anger that keeps me on this side of the curtain. When the anger ebbs, my resolve ebbs, so for now it is what I need to feel. I will not let the fear they purposely instilled keep me quiet. You cannot shut me up. This is my story. This is what I experienced. Go ahead and try to stop me, I dare you to try. Intimidation, threats, guilt, the cold shoulder, they will not work. Not any longer. 
For those of us who are past, or passing the age of adulthood, the tangible threat ends when you are out of your home: They can't touch you physically anymore. They can hurt you in other ways, but only as much as you let them. It's now the intangible threats we grew up with, those are the things we need to get past in order to take the important steps. The truth is, THEY can't "get" us. The other, invisible "they", they can't get us either. They don't exist. "Abba" taught us that we needed to peel away the "structures" that are ingrained in our beings. For once, he is right. The "Family" made sure we believed and feared with every fiber of our beings. Those are the structures we need to break free of.

It is a freeing revelation. I think I am almost starting to believe it.








14 comments:

  1. Justifiable indignation. Call it anger if you like. All I know is that you're right and they're wrong. The people who fed you lies and forced you to keep quiet and made you afraid are wrong. They should be afraid because the Truth about everything they did to your generation is ugly. That stuff about people leaving becoming a sacrifice? Wow! Talk about a veiled threat! I'm just praying that people get sued. A class action suit. I wonder if it's possible.

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  2. Bravo to you for bringing back the blog....not letting the fear and intimidation stop you from this cathartic journey of blogging. The posts are fascinating to read. Has anyone gone to France to see the list of people in this book?

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  3. Were you told as a child that you were going to die for the family?

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  4. I'd like to add something else. Anger and Fear are good and healthy emotions. You and Freckles and Pnina and the other Anonymous bloggers are just doing such an awesome job and setting such a good example for people to follow. I teach my children that pedophiles and liars are Scary. They were raised to be cautious around liars. Fearful. They're adults now and so their response to a liar or a rapist is one of anger. Because now it's their turn to parent and protect. You and Pnina and Freckles and the others weren't taught to fear pedophiles and liars. In fact you were taught to fear "gossiping" about them? That's wrong. What you're all feeling and doing and writing about is so good and so healthy. You're reacting properly. You're less afraid to speak out and more afraid of the unpredictable and unnatural reactions of those cult leaders. They are a little scary because theyre creepy and sneaky. Again I really pray for you guys and I hope someday these wicked cult leaders get sued. Sued. They should fear the law. Maybe we all fear their creepy lies but they should fear a law suit! Well God bless you guys. Good work!

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  5. Might I take a shot?
    The scope of the first paragraph, it says a lot and seems to leave no holes unbarred. Jack first hoists the fate of the world on you. Hmm, that's quite a burden don't you think, I mean 'what will happen', I have to think his context was a bit too broad, this in itself is quite silly. Then jack goes on about offering the sacrifice, so what could that really mean, he might mean, fasting, or prayer, or service to others, but he didn't really say what that was did he? So I suspect the bottom line was 20% of everything you had, oh and give it to him, he'll take care of it for you. jack speaks for God now that God needs your sacrifice and all of Israel, so Jack thinks he's the pope or the head of orthodoxy, and he can tell you what will happen to Israel and that if it goes badly, its your fault too.
    So what happened to Jesus, what happened to that sacrifice, what happened to Christianity? I thought what God always wanted, always, was a loving and contrite heart. But for jack, we just need a blood sacrifice, this is something that has not been done for a loooooonng time. If I was involved in a group that did this, I would not think it in any way positive, and you would most likely get arrested, no???

    We don't have to get saved, we were already when we came out of Egypt.This again totally
    discounts conventional thought, and wisdom, as provided by Jesus. The apostles, who were taught
    by Jesus, and Paul, a strict Jew, touched by Jesus, we need to throw all that away
    because Jack said so. This was a guy that went to seminary, completed his training
    in the Lutheran congregation, he came up with this 'new' approach. That you kids need
    to sacrifice, that the world is on your shoulders, you need to get it right, the brainwashing
    was in full agitation mode here, what a burden. I have to think that he must have said
    it will all be alright, because he was there, jack knew the way, its just unbelievable.
    (Continued below)

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  6. (Continued)

    later Jack talks about these other families, these others that are watching you. Yes very creepy, its like the NSA, sorting through your emails and cell phone conversations, umm, is there cell phone service around caribou? Ahhh maybe that's why.

    Watching you, it takes a lot of time, money, effort, and while jack putting the fear of God in you was easy for him, in reality, I think people that care about things are much more focused on north Korea, not you guys, and no insult intended. It just doesn't work that way. If jack had this alleged interaction in France or Switzerland, and there was a group, the elders would know, their wives would know, the word would have gotten out, the critical super double secret stuff would have leaked out. These super families if they exist have no interest in you, not that your not nice, but they have their own issues, problems, challenges to deal with and maybe they are really rich. I'm talking about the super rich. I only know one super rich family, they don't have their own satellite system, and they have their own problems to deal with, trust me, God loves you, I agree and you are important, your just not important to some guys in France or Spain or Europe, and your name is not written in any book over there.

    jack read a lot, he took from anywhere to build his weird religious ideology, used what he wanted and discarded what didn't work. Jack was delusional, his inner core of the same families are deluded and the damage is bad, but recoverable. This is good, don't give up and your in America, there are other options, there is work, some of it very good work, and you can build a future, its your life, not 'the families', you can
    walk away. Your name written in a book, its just another phantom hook, like so much of what he said, vaporous, imaginary, wrong, corrupt, controlling. Have you thought of living in Virginia? The weather is better... -Ray

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  7. hi sim, i'm an 'oldie',1971-1982 . i found your blog thru -http://butseriouslybaby.blogspot.com/ - i echo her sentiment -
    You are not alone. There are people to talk to. Talk to us. We are here. We will be here.

    rick

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  8. In response to anonymous, no, I was not told that I will die for the family. Not directly. But that question triggered something, it was certainly suggested. A seed was planted. Death, becoming a sacrifice, fanaticism, martyrdom, these things were taught and talked about. I remember! Rummaging for more teachings is in order. The 32 paths, didn't Abba say that in order to complete our walk in the "Way", that we had to be killed? We had to become a martyr, like yeshua. He said we can't die of natural causes, we could only be killed. I will find this info and post accordingly. Does anyone remember this?

    To the other anonymous (or same one?). I don't understand your one word comment, or the intent. But I looked it up. Sacarii means, literally "dagger men". According to Wikipedia, it was used later as a term for jewish zealot hit-men, or contract killers. The term originates from a group of zealots who opposed Roman rule of Israel, and fought it by killing their enemies with their daggers in public places. Interesting. I still don't get it, but thank you; looking this up reminded me of yet another practice in Jack's "family". A priest is consecrated from each mishpahah. Upon being annointed, they are given a dagger. I have seen these daggers. Do any former members out there know more about this? What were the priests taught the daggers are for? Any former priests out there who are willing to answer that?

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  9. In reading this for the first time it causes a rational thinking person to become outraged, yet it was 17 years ago? Jack's ideology which looking at it now, was thin and unsubstantiated, but he kept his inner circle together, somehow he held that and leaned on the school hard, broke the kids spirit where he could and intimidated the rest so the lie could go on. It is hard to think back on all of the little things that were done, and even harder to think of the things that should have been done that weren't.
    There was no program for the people that left, this is absurd and shows how jack would continue to lie, he was unopposed, the people that left left without any agenda to take him down. We only wanted to be better people, we wanted to be better Christians, its those that stayed that didn't. I hope that makes you think a bit. The community was not hotel California, although we did think that, I did, I waited for someone to confront me, they never came. I thought maybe I just wasn't good enough, which was a rumor about us too. The reality as I look back was quite different. I visited the sick, I helped to educate the young, I spoke to complete strangers about the love of God and christ's sacrifice and the good news. I meant it, and in that I was lead away from jack. I gave of myself in all ways, helping those in the community that needed help, and my foot was set firmly on a closer walk with the lord, and I think by and large it still is. I do some bigger things now, and I'm out there, where I should be, honestly, where you should be.
    What a tangled mess jack made, how can it be that he died of natural causes? How does this parasitic leadership rationalize away they are getting old and feeble,
    In growing up dealing with a bully, I had to come to grips with either being bullied or standing up to him. In my fear I was paralyzed by them, but my thinking changed, I knew I could not beat them, but once I got to accept that I could hurt them, I changed. My win was not to conquer but to damage, in that i had victory and I stood up for myself. It was surprising for me to find that the bully, just backed down and that was it. He realized I could hurt him even though I would 'lose' the fight, but it was enough to win the war.
    I hope you win your war, again, to your own self be true, when you look in the mirror you'll see an amazing person, a spirit unbroken, you will recognize it, I think because you have it all already.
    There is so much phoney philosophy jack made you all accept, its worthless. I think you are great and your blog is great, thank you.

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  10. Would it be possible to get a copy of all 60 pages?

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  11. The more i understand, the better i can help those who are still in.

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