Monday, July 21, 2014

Intermission

It has been a little while since my last post, and I have received some emails from people concerned that I have stopped writing or fearing that I am ready to take the blog down as other bloggers have done. Rest assured, I'm not finished. I have two posts that I have been working on, one being some of Jack's genealogy., which I know some people have been impatient to read. This stuff can be incredibly time consuming and tedious. And emotional. I often find myself consumed with it, and heading to a very bad place. If I don't rip myself away from it and take a break , I fear I will go over the edge without even realizing it. Sometimes I just need to stop.
Last August, when I began this blog, I was bursting at the seams. When you realize your whole life was built on a bunch of lies and perpetuated by a bunch of assholes, there's a sudden urge to scream from the rooftops. At least for me. Those first few posts were hard- I literally spent weeks half expecting to be struck by lightening because of the irrational fear that maybe it was all true and I was committing the ultimate betrayal. Silly and narcissistic, I know. But that's how it was.
Here it is, almost a year later, and not much has changed. It's easy to point fingers and expose lies from behind anonymity, and I haven't gained the strength to stand by my own convictions and be honest. I am still living the same lie I was living a year ago, and I have no plans to change that anytime soon. I keep hoping, foolishly, that other people will read what I and other bloggers write and take the action I am afraid to take- confronting the leadership, exposing the lies, and making it easy for me to make my exit. I'll never do it because I am a coward. I hate change and I hate the idea of losing my friends,losing my only support system, and being alone. Yup, when it comes right down to it, my choice is always selfish.

Yet, I'm alone anyway, and the same support system I don't want to lose is a farce. Some of you know what I mean. I know there are others who play the game but know the truth, and aren't ready to rock the boat.
I just don't know where to go from here. Do any of you identify with that place of being stuck somewhere emotionally, and intellectually knowing exactly where you are stuck and why, and being unable to reconcile the two? I remember Freckles, or someone, saying that you can only live this way for so long (going through the motions while knowing different, hiding your true beliefs, etc) before you break. It's true. The hardest realization of that is seeing how shallow relationships are. People you have known since infancy are unaware of who you really are (and vise-versa). You share so much history and experience, but it that is it. Then there are the people on the "outside" who you develop relationships with, but they only reach a certain point. It's surreal, being with family and friends, living your life, yet being so completely separated and unknown to  each other.

There are many levels to separating yourself from the group, or its common beliefs. I question myself constantly, and I often wonder if I am pointing my blame and anger in the right direction. Is my experience different from others in the same group because of my own personal experiences? Did what one person did to me mar my view of the whole thing? If that never happened, would I be as secure and certain of my beliefs like everyone else?
Who is truly responsible for where I am? Is it myself, by my own choices and
 lack of action? Is it the man who raped me and and made me a pariah to myself? Is it my family who brought me up in their dysfunction?
Ultimately we are all responsible for our own choices and our own destinies. I know that. But I am still stuck.
The truth is, I have had too much to drink tonight, and I shouldn't be writing. But, that is when I am the most honest, so I'm just going to let it go.

When I was a kid I attempted suicide. It was an incredibly rough time in my life, but no one really noticed. I remember just being tired. Something minor had happened at home, but on top of all the other things I had been trying to keep in check, I just couldn't hack it. It was just enough to overwhelm me, and I wanted out. I knew that I simply could not deal with the next day, so I chose not to. A relative lived with us at the time, and I took their bottle of prescription medication and swallowed every single pill, one at a time. I felt more peaceful than I had ever felt, and I wrapped myself up in my blankets fully believing that when I closed my eyes, I would never open them again.
No, I am not suicidal. But I feel tired, like I did then. I am sick of keeping up the charade, but I don't know how to do anything else. Every time I talk with someone in the Family, I look in their eyes, and I wonder if they feel just like I do. The charade is second nature, so there is no way to know. Now, when I'm tired of it, I have the urge to pack up what I need and hop onto a bus to somewhere else. Or to just retreat, shut everyone out and start over. Or just pretend everything is fine, smile and keep on going. None of them are constructive, and they don't solve the problem. Unfortunately I am not in a position to bow out and fade away without notice. I will have to face the questions, the "talk", the confrontation with certain individuals. It's and inevitability I just need to stand up and face. How do I prepare for that? Maybe there isn't any preparation- it's like stepping off a cliff and seeing what happens.

In reality, I can't blame too many people for where I am now. I am as accountable for my choices as anyone else. I am not a kid anymore, I am an adult. Venting is good, as long as when I'm done I can look at everything from a fresh perspective, minus my self-absorbed tunnel vision.

In the meantime, I am going to ignore this blog whenever I need to, and don't be insulted if I don't respond to your emails right away.